Yet Another Post in Answer to Allie's Post ...

...Though this one is from Thursday.

It's the blog version of the chain letter, though cooler. This actually serves a purpose, not just to give you bad luck for failing to forward it on. I have bad luck from failing to forward many chain letters, both real letters from back in the day, and email, from the past 10 years. I like to blame bad stuff on not sending stupid jokes along. Better that than on my own failings to use my brain.

So, that said, the premise of this post is to fill in the questions, then choose 6 more readers to carry on the idea. But, since I don't really have 6 readers with blogs to carry it on, I'll choose three. (Hey, it's better than nothing! I could end it right here. I'll do it, too! Don't test me!) So, Carmen, Jennifer and new friend B & Mr. Puddins (is that your real name, by the way?), I pass the torch to you. Don't let me down! Actually, I don't really mind if you let me down. I've already admitted that I am usually the chain breaker.

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Just copy the below questions and fill in your own answers in a post on your own blog.

A book that changed my life?: The Bible. Well, it did change my life at one point. And then I changed it back.

A book I've read more than once: Lots of things. But that's because I tend to forget a book about a month after I've read it, so I'll pick up a book, think I haven't read it before, but it sounds familiar, so I must have heard good things about it, then get halfway through before I remember it. Book I've read more than once because I really like it and chose to reread it: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

A book I would take with me if I were stuck on a desert island:
SAS Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild, in Any Climate, on Land or at Sea by John 'Lofty' Wiseman


A book that made me laugh:
An old one is Would You Rather


A book that made me cry:
The last one was My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. There are lots of other ones!


A book that I wish had been written:
This is The Last Word and What I Really Think and This Supercedes All Other Religious Books. Please Don't Kill Other People...EVER. I'm Serious. Even in War. By God

A book I wish had never been written:
This is a tough one, because even though I don't like them, there are people out there who are inspired by the Bible and Koran who actually aren't fundies or out to decimate the population. I can't think of a book I really hate enough to wish it unwritten. There's always some freak out there who LOVES the book.


I'm currently reading:
I just finished The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon, which I found very good, because it deals with a teenage boy with Autism. Really makes me wonder how Hutton will be as a teenager!

A book I've been meaning to read:
Moby Dick. It's on the list, and I've attempted it a few times, but can't get past the first few pages.


What turned me onto fiction?
I've always loved fiction, too, but I guess The Black Stallion books really got me reading as a child.

In Answer to Allie's Post from Today

I give you this.

Both involve ART. Heh. Yeah, right.

By the way, if any of my 2 or 3 readers own Thomas Kinkade "art" please don't tell me, because I'll think less of you. You don't want to lose my respect, now do you?

This is Just...So...Disturbing

I read about this on one of my Autism lists. I was getting caught up on my reading, and saw some posts about a missing boy with Autism, so read a little, but by then the search had been called off.

This is why
I can only imagine what a horrible, short life this beautiful boy had. Poor Marcus' horrible mother told the social workers who took him, "He's your problem now." This was before he was placed with the worst excuse for foster "parents" available. This for a boy with Autism, who would have needed more help for daily life, not less.

Some back story: Marcus' foster parents went to a family reunion in Kentucky in early August, leaving Marcus behind in a closet for the two days they were gone. When they returned, Marcus was dead, so the foster father took the body somewhere and burned it. Most people would not leave a dog behind unsupervised while they left on a trip. (Of course, this could just be their latest lie. Marcus could have been dead already when they left, and they just didn't deal with the body until later.) After a couple of weeks, and having missed one social worker visit (they claimed Marcus was sick), these vile people had to come up with a story. So the foster mother claimed she had taken Marcus and three other children to the park, and she had passed out from the heat and a heart condition, and while she was passed out, Marcus disappeared. A huge search mission occurred afterward, and the foster mother appeared on tv, tearily pleading for the return of her foster child, whom we now know was already dead at the time. Shortly after making up the story about Marcus disappearing from the park, the foster family moved, and before Marcus' disappearance, but probably after his death, they had a garage sale. Probably lots of evidence was sold off, and I'm sure there was lots of guilt associated with that house.

This just makes me sick. Yes, kids with Autism are challenging. Hey, just today we had to leave Hutton's speech therapy session early because he was screaming so much his therapist couldn't work with him. But they can also be incredibly sweet, like Hutton now, sitting in my lap as I type this. Hutton gives the best hugs of nearly anyone I know. Even on Hutton's worst days, I still love him unconditionally. Reading this story just reminds me how much I love him, and makes me sad that Marcus did not have someone to love him. Rest in peace, Marcus.

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Another article with lots of interesting facts about the "foster parents," including that they had a live-in girlfriend and the father was bipolar.

What a Week

It's been one of those crazy weeks around here, where I have done a lot, yet can't really say that I've accomplished much, you know?

Monday - I went to my friend, Liz's house and the boys played with her daughter. Monday afternoon I got shish kabobs for our first night of cooking with the new grill. This was my official birthday gift, even though I'm not the one who will be using it.

Back story: A couple of weeks ago, we were attempting to grill dinner, and our regular ole gas grill wasn't working. Hubby went upstairs to work on something, and when he came downstairs, he had a look in his eye. He asked me, "So, what do you want for your birthday?" I immediately answered, "A new grill, of course!" And then the twinkle in Hubby's eye told me I'd guessed right, and he told me he'd ordered a cool grill like his friend Dave's, and it would be delivered the next week. It didn't arrive in time for my birthday, but the Monday afterward. And it really is a great grill. The shish kabobs, corn on the cob and potatoes we made Monday were wonderful. Wednesday night there was a snafu with the wood pellet intake, so the chicken didn't turn out as well, but that was because Hubby left the controls for too long and when he returned, the fire had gone out, and Hubby didn't want us to get food poisoning, so we ended up microwaving the chicken for a few minutes to make sure it was cooked. Phew.

Anyway, the grill was one event of the week.

Tuesday was pretty normal - speech therapy in the morning for Hutton, running errands in the afternoon, soccer for me in the evening.

Wednesday was Hutton's FIFTH BIRTHDAY. I started the day by giving him one of his presents - Crocodile Dentist - then after his ABA home therapy, my friend Liz and her kids came over with lunch and cake. Stacy, the great college kid who does babysitting and odd jobs for me and Liz over the summer, came over, too. Stacy and I went to her house to attempt to move a giant wood swing set that she wanted me to take off her hands so she can have a firepit in her backyard. (Well, that had been the idea a month or so ago, but because we waited till the end of August, she'll be going back to school in Connecticut before she'll get the use a firepit. Oh well, maybe next summer, Stacy?) Anyway, even though Stacy is strong, and hey, I'm no slouch, there was no way we were budging that swing set, and if we could have dragged it to the front where her truck was, we would never have been able to lift it up to put in the truck bed. So, we got a truck load of wood chips instead. (The guy who rents the basement of their house works for a tree service, so there are always wood chips around!) Later that night, Jason, the guy who rents the basement, agreed to help move the swing set, in exchange for a piece of Hutton's birthday cake. Jason and Stacy managed to get it into her truck, then Jason, Stacy and I managed to carry it back behind our house where I had cleared an area for it. I was amazed we were able to carry it, but Stacy was determined to get rid of the thing, and she knew if we didn't do it then, it wouldn't get done, and the swing set would have still been in her backyard next summer.

So, now we have part of a swing set in our yard (Stacy is bringing over the the slide and swing bar later today), but the boys haven't been able to try it out yet. See, yesterday the boys and I went to the Evergreen State Fair in Monroe. We met Liz and her kids there, as well as her sister-in-law and her kids, and Stacy came to help out with the child wrangling. After Hutton's speech therapy in the morning, we drove out to Monroe (not too far from Woodinville, actually), and spent the day riding the rides, looking at farm animals and eating greasy food. Reminder to self: DO NOT eat an elephant ear again, no matter how good they look. You'll just feel like crap later when you have had too much greasy fried stuff with sugar on it. Next time go for the funnel cake. Now, that stuff is practically diet food!

Hutton and Harrison had a great time on the rides, though there was a time when the carneys were cracking down and not letting Harrison ride on the rides, since he's 35 1/2 inches tall, and the size requirement was 36. We managed to get on to enough rides to make it worth the cost of the wrist band, though. And Stacy and I rode the Ring of Fire. Second reminder to self: fair rides that involve going upside down for extended periods of time are probably not the best idea once you are over the age of 30. Stacy and I sat in the front, and as we were hanging upside down and I was getting a great view of the fairgrounds, upside down, I have to admit I did enjoy it, though my heart probably stopped several times.

Time to go get Hutton ready for ABA. After his home session, we head over the University of Washington to set up a new ABA program with our new consultant. Then tomorrow will be the big birthday party for Hutton. So, I need to get another cake, food and party favors. Did I mention I've had a busy week? Oh, and we also got a new used car last week. I'll write another post about that...sometime!

What I Did Today

You know, I've had some deep thoughts that keep me up nights. I'll try to post about those tomorrow. In the meantime, here is the shallow focus of my afternoon:

Tee shirts and other stuff I created today.

This all started when I saw my friend's mom's car the other day. Her car has a license plate frame that reads: My Other Car is a Porsche. So, of course, I started thinking that I'd like to have a license plate frame that reads: My Other Ride is a Mustache.

Not that it is, since Hubby doesn't have a real mustache, just Miami Vice Crockett-type stubble. But, I cracked myself up with my stupid idea, and then, driving home from dinner last night (did I mention I had several glasses of wine?) I mentioned this to Hubby, and he also found it amusing, and told me I should start a store on CafePress to sell my fabulous license plate frames. Of course, he also warned me he wouldn't really want to drive a car that had that license plate frame. Hmm, I wonder why?

So, last night after dinner I created my store, and this afternoon I created my "art" and did some variations on the mustache theme. So, at the very least, go look and tell me what you think! I can take criticism on things I come up with while drunk.

Happy Birthday to Me

Yep, it's my birthday! Not as exciting when you're an old broad with kids. I had to tell the boys this morning at breakfast that it was my birthday. They both managed a "happy birthday" after I told them: "Tell Mommy Happy Birthday!" Yes, the forced happy birthdays are the best!

I'm now 33. You know, that was a big year for Jesus. We'll see how my 33rd year of life goes.

As an early birthday gift for myself, I had my IUD removed yesterday. Woohoo! Rock on! I got to my ultrasound appointment 15 minutes early, having guzzled down 36 ounces of water in the minutes before. (You know, you're supposed to show up with a full bladder, and they recommend 24 to 36 ounces. I like to go for the gold, folks!) I then had to wait an additional 30 minutes after my appointment time, as the u/s tech was running behind. So, after crossing my legs and attempting to pay attention to the March issue of Healthy Woman magazine I was reading, I finally gave up and went to the bathroom, then guzzled 7 or 8 cups of really cold water from the little water cooler. That just made me freezing cold, which is great when you have to remove clothing. I did have a full bladder for my ultrasound though. Go, Laura!

So, the ultrasound was truly magical. Oh wait, I'm not pregnant. Seeing your uterus with a beautiful shining IUD inside isn't quite the same as seeing a fetus. The technician also looked at my ovaries, and I pretended to know what she was talking about when she said, "See your right ovary, here?" You mean that blackish gray thing in the rest of the blackish gray area? Sure, I see it!

A doctor came in to check the ultrasound stuff, and was up for the challenge of getting the IUD out. I think when she heard that the midwife couldn't get it out 10 days ago, that made her feel even more competitive. "Those silly midwives don't know nothing 'bout uteri! I'll show you how to get an IUD out!" Anyway, I'm now IUD free, and fancy free, or something like that.

Today I'm going to a friend's house for cake after Hutton goes to a consultation with a new ABA consultant. Friday night Hubby is taking me out to dinner for a delayed birthday celebration. I had to remind him that Snakes on a Plane opens Friday night, too. Who knows, maybe we'll get really crazy and have dinner and see a movie!

Bizarre Sightings

Yesterday morning, for the first time ever, I saw somebody brushing his teeth while driving. He was driving a beat-up old camper, merging into the 405 on-ramp traffic in front of me, and I caught a glimpse of the tooth-brushing in the guy's rear-view mirror.

I was a bit shocked at first, then started giggling that someone would actually do that in the car. I mean, eating meals in the car is one thing, but taking care of your teeth -- that's just silly.

I stopped giggling when he opened the door and spat his salivary/tooth paste waste out the door. Now that's just gross. Dude, if you're going to brush your teeth in the car, get one of those vacuum nozzles that dentists use. I'm sure the Sharper Image has one that you can hook up to your cigarette lighter. Or spit it in the sink. You're driving a camper after all.

My Coffee Problem

I am a coffee addict. Scratch that. A mocha or latte addict. I must start the day with a mocha or latte. When I'm at somebody's house where they only have those poor, pathetic regular drip coffee makers, I make do, but I don't really enjoy it. This was the case for two weeks, when I went to my mom's house, and my friend Julie's house. Yes, I managed to live through two weeks of drip coffee. Can you believe it?

Now, you may think the "problem" I have with coffee is this addiction. No, I'm perfectly happy being addicted to coffee. The problem I have with coffee is that I'm a spaz, and have now spilled enormous cups of coffee in both my car and my husband's.

The incident in my husband's car took place a few months ago. I was taking Hutton to speech therapy in the morning, and had actually gotten up early enough to get all of us dressed AND make myself a double shot mocha. Usually, I sleep in the extra 5 minutes and just buy a coffee later. But not this day. I put my enormous mug of coffee (no, I didn't need to use a travel mug, dammit, just a regular old ceramic mug with no lid!) on the center console as I got the boys in their carseats, intending to move it to the cup holder when I got into my seat. I got into my seat, and grabbed my seatbelt, yanking it really quickly with my elbow wide, all the better to smack the cup on the console and spill my perfect cup all over the floorboard of the back seat. No children were injured in the spilling of the coffee, but I had my work cut out for me later, cleaning the car so Hubby wouldn't realize I'd spilled a huge cup of coffee in his car.

You would think that this would have taught me a valuable lesson about coffee not going well with being balanced on consoles, wouldn't you? But you give me too much credit for actually using the now-mushy organ in my skull.

Yesterday, I did not get up early enough to make myself coffee at home. I dropped Hutton off at his speech therapy appointment, then Harrison and I got in the car to run errands. First stop: the Jitters drive-thru, where the barista knows me and usually only has to ask if I'd like a grande or tall and what color lollipop Harrison wants. Yesterday I got a grande. I placed it on the CONSOLE in front of the cupholders as I paid for my drink. See, one of the cupholders had trash in it, and the other had Hutton's cup with a half inch of orange juice in it. I think I figured I'd sort that out after I paid for my coffee. The smart thing to do would have been to remove the trash from the cupholder and put my coffee in there. It's not like my car doesn't already have trash all over the place anyway. But, we should know by now that I'm not one to do the smart thing.

Instead, I pulled out into traffic, remembering I hadn't put my grande mocha in the cupholder as I felt intense heat and wetness all over my shorts-clad right thigh, working it's way up to my crotch. The cup had hit my thigh in just the right way to knock the lid off, and most of the coffee was now on my thigh and in my seat, being quickly wicked up by my shorts and underwear. The rest of the coffee was pooled up on the floorboard (thank God we have plastic mats!) at my feet, minus about an ounce left in my cup for me to quickly down as I wondered if the coffee had burned off my flesh, or if it just felt that way.

I grabbed the towel that was wedged under Harrison's carseat and wiped the coffee off my thigh and put it in my seat to soak up the coffee that wasn't already soaked into my shorts and underwear, then tried to wipe down my scalded leg with some baby wipes. I knew I wouldn't have time to drive home before I had to pick Hutton up, so I drove to the closest cheap clothing store, Ross Dress For Less, and waddled in trying to walk sideways so nobody would notice my ass my wet with coffee. I found a pair of pants on clearance and some underwear and got in line to pay, again standing sideways to hide my wet ass.

Harrison and I got back in the car, and I squatted on the backseat floorboard, trying to wipe myself down with baby wipes and get myself dressed in my new clothes without any passersby seeing the naked freak in the car.

My thigh doesn't actually have any visible damage. The only damage is to my psyche. That and my car still smells like coffee. Better go tackle the upholstery with the steam cleaner today. Oh well, the lease is up next week.

Maybe I should start carrying a camelbak with espresso in it. Or just get an IV.

What Not

After our return home Wednesday, we quickly got back to our regular lives. One thing I noticed, that I always notice when I'm gone from my house for more than a few days, is that my house smells bad. Not like dead bodies bad, but like we have two dogs and they tend to leave their hair everywhere. And it's not like a kennel smell. It's just a stale smell. Until we perfect smell-o-vision, and then bring it to the internet, you'll have to just imagine what that smells like.

I'm not into fake smells, either, so all those scented oil type air fresheners don't work for me. I tend to get headaches from fake smells. I can't smell the stale smell anymore, so maybe just having people cooking in the house helps get rid of it. I'm pretty sure Hubby did very little cooking while we were gone. I made some bacon yesterday, so now our kitchen smells like bacon. Which is good if you like bacon.

Anyway, this weekend was Seafair, which is an annual event in Seattle with boat races and other assorted fun. The Blue Angles, those navy jets that fly around in neat formations, were here for the weekend for two performances. They were also practicing before hand on Thursday and Friday. Thursday when I took Hutton to his speech therapy in Bellevue, which is across Lake Washington from Seattle, I could hear the planes and every once in a while they'd circle overhead in a turn. Thursday afternoon I went to a "beach" on Lake Washington with a friend and her kids, and we saw the Blue Angels practicing a bit, and the boys enjoyed playing in the water and the sand, though I really don't like gray-brown sand on my beaches. Yes, I'm a sand snob, and I like the naturally occurring white stuff found on the Gulf Coast of Florida. The gross gray-brown stuff dumped in places along Lake Washington doesn't do it for me. And as I was wading in the water with Hutton, I remembered that you can get swimmer's itch from lakes around here. If you don't know what swimmer's itch is, you don't want to know! Wearing sunscreen is supposed to help. Then again, it's not like you don't have things to worry about when swimming in the ocean -- sharks, jellyfish, etc. I've never tangled with a shark, fortunately, but know from personal experience that jellyfish suck. Or sting, rather.

After hanging out on the beach, the boys wanted to play on the playground. I pushed them on the swings for a few minutes and happened to see a little girl (4 or 5) wearing a Hooters tee-shirt. Yep, this girl's mother or father thought it was funny to put a shirt that said, "Future Hooters Waitress" or something like that, on their daughter. Ick. Way to foster the big dreams, there, folks! I had my camera with me, but couldn't get a pic. You'll have to take my word for it.

Saturday, we went to lunch in Bellevue, then afterwards went to the roof of the parking garage to watch the Blue Angels perform. At one point, they flew directly overhead, and that was cool. They seemed incredibly close to the buildings, and even though I know they were much higher than they appeared, it was still amazing. I only got a couple of bad pictures on Thursday at the beach, and didn't have my camera with me on Saturday, so this is it!

Home Again

The boys and I flew back from Nashville on Wednesday. It was a day of flying that made me want to swear off flying forever, but I know I'll forget and travel again in 3 or 4 months.

We arrived at the airport at a quarter to 7 a.m. for our 7:40 flight, but the check-in line was long, and I was stressed out and sweating after getting the kids' carseats out of the car. After getting our luggage checked, and getting the boys and our stuff into line for security, I knew we would be late. We made it through the check-in line, which is always fun when you have two boys, one stroller, a carseat strapped to your back and the bare minimum for surviving a 3 hour flight with two boys in carry-on bags: a portable DVD player and DVDs, and a bag containing a change of clothes for said boys, wipes, and diapers. Of course I had to get the boys to take off their sandals, because you know how the under-5 set likes to smuggle things on planes. That, or their obviously psychotic mother who is clearly stressed out and sweating about something arouses suspicion - must be because of what she's planning to do on the plane, not because it's already 90 something degrees at 7:15 in the morning and she's loaded up like a pack mule.

After clearing security, we ran to our gate, or the closest thing possible to running when one is pushing a stroller with a carseat strapped to one's back and dragging a 5-year-old. I was the last person on the plane, and since this was Southwest, which doesn't assign seats, the flight attendants had to beg people to relinquish their seats so I could sit with the boys. They didn't have to pull the "you could end up sitting next to a stranger's screaming kids" card which I have heard on more than one Southwest flight. Three people were kind enough to switch with me out of the goodness of their hearts. I had offered to have Harrison sit in my lap, but since he's 2, that's not an option anymore. I thanked the people who agreed to swap seats, and got us settled for the 3 hour flight to Las Vegas.

That flight was thankfully trouble-free, though I was still feeling residual stress for most of it. The boys were content to watch their movies and eat their snacks. When we arrived in Vegas (no, what happens at the Las Vegas airport DOES NOT stay in Vegas), I looked around for a few minutes before I figured out we had to take a shuttle bus to our next gate. Always fun with the boys, stroller, carseat, carry-ons. But, we arrived at our gate with lots of time to spare, and were able to pre-board. Yay!

And pre-board we did. Harrison soon feel asleep in his carseat, and I was looking forward to smooth-sailing on the 2 hour flight home to Seattle. That is, until the plane hadn't taken off at its scheduled departure time. No problem, maintenance was working on a radio. They'd keep us updated. An hour later, they gave up and got us all off the plane. Strangely enough, Harrison did not continue napping after I picked him up out of his carseat, placed him on another seat so I could get his carseat, and attempted to schlepp everything up the aisle. Some nearby passengers kindly carried some of my stuff for me, thankfully. After another long wait inside for a new plane, having to explain to Hutton that we couldn't play those neat video games just inches away, we re-boarded. I kept the boys distracted with the 4 packs of peanuts I found in our seat pockets, but was annoyed knowing that there was no chance Harrison would take another nap so soon after being woken up from his first one.

And when the DVD player's batteries died mid-flight, I just chalked it up to my horrible day of flying and tried to keep the boys entertained with the inflight magazine and safety cards. Yeah, that's exactly what they wanted to do! Kicking self for forgetting to pack any kiddie books or snacks for the flight. The 100 calorie snack packs of plane-shaped crackers were curiously not very satisfying when one ate breakfast hours before, had a snack of raisins on the earlier flight (I gave the boys my crackers and 100-calorie pack of "Oreo Crisps" or whatever the heck they were), and didn't have time for lunch between flights. When we finally arrived in Seattle at 3 pm, I was almost kissing the ground, but didn't as I probably would have tried to eat it.

And just think, come November I'll probably be doing this all again for Thanksgiving!
How much are private jets running these days?

And Now For Something a Bit More Serious

Warning! The following post contains things that may cause the heebie-jeebies, especially for men. Proceed with caution!

I went to the dr. today to get my IUD removed. I was sick of having very heavy, week-long periods for the past year, and figured since Harrison is weaned now (yippee!) I don't need to worry about avoiding excess hormones that the pill or other hormonal birth control would cause.

I was doing the fun gyno routine - naked from the waist down, speculum in, looking at the neat mobile above my head and pretending someone wasn't poking around in my coochie - when I heard the dreaded words: "I can't find your strings."

See, the IUD is inside a woman's uterus, but has strings that hang down through the cervix for removal. The person doing the removal just gets those strings and pulls on 'em, and voila, no more IUD. But not so simple if you don't have the strings hanging out of your cervix. The midwife doing the removal then got what looked like an extra long crochet hook and dug around in my uterus for a bit, but couldn't find the amazing missing IUD. Yes, this was painful. And in addition to the pain, I now have a complex that I have a freakishly big uterus, or one that eats IUDs. Or that my cervix is so big I managed to lose an IUD and didn't notice it.

So, now I have to go back in a few weeks for an ultrasound so they can figure out where the IUD is. Yes, I have to wait and worry about having an embedded IUD for 10 days. As soon as I left the drs. office, I started to worry about the worst case scenario - I'll have a horrible pelvic infection, have to have a hysterectomy, etc. I know this is probably not the case, but I'll still worry about it. And even though I know in my heart I don't think I can handle having another baby, as the two children I already have drive me bonkers a great deal of the time, I still like having the ability to have children, just in case I change my mind and decide I want another child.

So, now I'm feeling depressed and crampy. Yay, me.

The All New Adventures of Mr. T

Another "new" Mr. T!

The All-New Adventures of Mr. T

Hilarious!

Mr T Cartoon intro

Mr. T! Ahhhh, Mr. T!

Driving through Death, Mr. T and Hitler Cats

I'm back in Nashville at my mother's house after my long weekend with my college friends in St. Louis. We all came in from various parts of the country (NYC, San Diego, San Francisco, Philadelphia) and stayed together at my friend Julie's place in one of our yearly get-together.

I drove up from Nashville on Friday morning, and as I drove through southern Illinois, I was hit by a monster thunderstorm with tornado warnings. I had rented a car that, unfortunately for me, did not have a CD player, so I was forced to listen to the radio for the 5 hour drive. One good thing about the radio, besides hearing those forgotten but loved hits of the 70s, 80s, and "whatever else we want to play," was that the radio also warned me that I was driving through tornados and to find shelter immediately. That's very comforting to hear when you are in the middle of nowhere, with cornfields on either side of the highway. I had lost ability to see the road anyway by that point, as the rain and hail were being blown sideways by the 40 mph winds, so got off at the next exit, which had no amenities to speak of. I drove for about a mile in one direction, looking for any sort of public building. I saw a few houses, but wasn't prepared to go knock on a stranger's door begging for shelter. I eyed the side of the road, wondering if staying in the car or going to lie in a ditch would be a better idea. I turned around in and drove back to the highway, and saw an overturned semi on the opposite side of the divided road. Comforting. The rain was still being blown sideways, and the tornado warnings coming on the radio every 60 seconds had indeed gotten through to me, and I was now literally shaking in fear. I saw the highway overpass, and parked as close to it as I could, behind and beside the other cars who had decided being under the bridge was the best way to ride out a storm in the middle of nowhere. After 30 minutes of intense rain and shaking, the storm passed and the rain slowed to a normal rate. I got back on the highway and drove west as quickly as I safely could, hoping the storms were moving east. I eventually stopped shaking as I got closer to Missouri and the sun appeared. I called my mother as soon as I was in cell phone range to relate my brush with death, and we agreed that next time I drove we should check the weather before-hand.

So, a few hours later, I am safely at Julie's house, having let myself in with the key she hid for me. I am reading the paper on her kitchen counter, when in strolls a beautiful black tuxedo cat who looks a lot like my own cat, Purrcy, who disappeared a few years ago. After a few minutes of watching me, Julie's cat jumps up on the table for me to pet him. I see on his tag that his name is Mr. T (later I found out this is short for Mr. Thibodeaux, Julie's Cajun card-playing alias from our college days of playing spades). So, after saying hello to Mr. T, I soon had the theme song from the animated cartoon in my head for the remainder of the weekend, as well as some of Mr. T's well-known phrases like, "I pity the fool."

When Julie and the rest of our college friends arrived from the airport, we quickly began catching up with each other, laughing, singing, and acting goofy (well, maybe I was the only one acting goofy!). But, get this, NONE of them knew the Mr. T theme song. Only a few even had a recollection that there had been an animated show featuring Mr. T. driving around in a bus with a multi-cultural group of gymnasts, as well as a dog with a T-matching Mohawk. Yeah, I know! Can you believe that this masterpiece of animation skipped their minds?

Just in case any of you have also never heard of this show or the amazingly catchy theme song, it is above, as well as some very funny parodies that appeared on SNL, I think.

Over our weekend of non-stop talking, eating, and laughing, we also had some times of just sitting around watching TV and reading magazines. This was good, too, because it introduced me to the highly entertaining "Pimp My Ride" and "Pants Off Dance Off." In this week's (or last week's) Entertainment Weekly, there was a website featured that posts pictures of cats that look like Hitler. The cat in the magazine was definitely Hitler's spitting image, if Hitler had been a cat. Hope for the sake of the poor cat (or maybe I should say the poor cat's owner) it doesn't have Hitler's personality as well! To see this cat, click on the "Unknown Kitler."

Off the corral my children. Did I mention how nice it was to sleep in and not have to worry about my kids for a few days?

More Deep Thoughts from the Junk Mail

As I scrolled through my spam this morning, this one struck me.

Shit happens. When we love - we grow. Timber! When you get lemons, make lemonade.(When life gives you scraps make quilts.) Shit happens. Walking on cloud nine. Tools of the trade. Water doesn't run uphill. The shoes on the other foot now. Sour as a green apple. Timber! Red as a beet. Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness.

So true! So cliche! So randomly generated! So grammatically challenged! I love the repetition of "shit happens" and "Timber!"

Time to meditate on the information above. Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, indeed!

More From Our Weekend Trip

Friday night, when we were all tired and ready for bed, in our tight quarters, MIL (Nana) read the boys books then attempted to put them to bed. The idea was that she and Hutton would sleep in the queen, and Harrison would sleep in the twin bed pushed up next to the queen. Harrison, however, had other ideas.

He screamed about wanting his crib, and was inconsolable. This wasn't good, as we were in a tiny cabin that shared a wall with another cabin, and I'm sure everyone at the resort could hear him. MIL walked him outside, which shockingly, did not calm him. I finally got up and got Harrison and brought him to bed with me and Hubby, and nursed him to sleep. He slept with us the rest of the trip.

I called this the nuclear option. Before the trip, Harrison had been semi-weaned. He hadn't nursed in 58 hours, and I was relieved. See, I didn't want to resume nursing Harrison to sleep, as we're going to visit my mom later this week, and I'm leaving the boys for the weekend alone with Mom. Needless to say, she can't nurse Harrison to sleep, and I was glad he had been able to go 58 hours without nursing, so I could rest assured that he would be OK without me for next weekend. But I wasn't willing to let him cry it out if it involved everyone else at the resort hearing this wailing for more than 2 minutes. Fortunately, now that we're home, he's back in his crib and Hubby put him down with no problems.

Saturday we woke early and walked to the creek that feeds Lake Crescent. We saw a deer out walking by the creek, which was very exciting for the boys. The deer seemed quite used to being around people, and didn't run off too quickly, so we all had a chance to see her before she finally crossed the creek and went off to forage on the other side.

After a tasty breakfast in the lodge, we got into the car for our first outing of the day. We drove out to Ruby Beach on the Pacific Coast of Washington, and it was very pretty. We hiked down a short trail from the parking lot, and climbed over several downed trees and logs that had been washed clean by the ocean. The beach was warm and sunny. After exploring a pool by a feeder creek leading to the ocean, the boys soon figured out the place to be was the wide expanse of wet, gray sand out past the many, many rocks. We all took our shoes off and had fun wading in the little tide pools, having our feet sucked under the sand, and running in and out of the surf. Hutton got in a little deep, and spent the later part of our trip in his tee shirt and wet underwear, as his shorts were soaked. I didn't know we were going to the beach when we left for the day, and if I had, I probably would have assumed it would be too cold to go in the water, so I didn't bring the boys' swimsuits. I didn't calculate children having no problem with cold water if it involves a beach!

After playing in the water, we sat out on the warm rocks and tried to stack the flatter rocks on top of each other.

When it was time to go -- around 1 pm, and we didn't have lunch with us -- Harrison threw a super tantrum, as he wanted us to know he'd been having fun and it was really not fair to ruin everything by leaving when he was having fun. Getting back to the car involved carrying a screaming, uncooperative child over several big logs piled on top of each other, which is difficult enough without the child when one is wearing sandals, as was the case. I eventually passed off the tantrummer to Hubby and took cooperative older child to the bathroom at the top of the trail in the parking lot. Tantrummer continued screaming for several miles after we left. He was finally able to stop when I tempted him with bunny crackers - the graham crackers shaped like rabbits. Unfortunately, since MIL was sitting next to Harrison, she wanted him to ask for the crackers with a "please." At that point, my headache was telling me I wanted to just shove the crackers in Harrison's mouth if it would make him stop screaming. I could not have cared less about rewarding his bad behavior with crackers. I just wanted him to be quiet.

But, he was, and we enjoyed a nice enough drive back to the lodge. After lunch, we hiked on a trail beside the lake, then took another trail to a nearby waterfall. Hutton was the leader the entire way of the 4 mile round trip! I was very impressed, as the climb to view the waterfall was steep. Harrison rode most of the waterfall hike on his daddy's shoulders, but wanted to climb the steps when we got to the view area as well.

After our hike, we decided to drive to Port Angeles for dinner. Our day had been so nice, and the boys both fell asleep on the drive. Unfortunately, this happy drive wasn't to last. Hutton woke up from his nap with a cough, and was very upset about something. We all found out what he was upset about in a moment when he threw up all over himself. That had never happened before. Hubby pulled over and we cleaned Hutton up with baby wipes, then I put him in a too-small Superman pajama shirt and red sweatpants that I found in Harrison's diaper bag. When we arrived at the restaurant for dinner, the waiter commented on Hutton's cool outfit. I didn't know if he was being sarcastic or not, but I figured he may have thought Hutton was one of those children who really like an outfit and continue wearing it long after they've outgrown it. I decided to let him think that rather than go into a long story about vomit. Never a good thing before eating. Hutton told us he wanted to eat, so we ordered him a corndog and he ate it, though he told us his stomach hurt. He didn't vomit again, though, thank goodness.

We saw another deer, a young buck, crossing the road as we drove up to the lodge, and then two more deer grazing in the field behind our cabin. We watched them for a few minutes, then went inside to get the boys in the bathtub.

At bedtime, Nana read the boys some books. Harrison wanted to nurse before bed again, and I obliged him. Shortly after Harrison and I had fallen asleep, I awoke to the sounds of Hutton grunting and rolling around in the bed next to ours, that he was sharing with Nana. The grunting was followed by a spine-chilling gurgling sound. I jumped out of bed and carried Hutton to the bathroom, but there was already a little trail of liquid non-refreshment on the floor and in the bed. Nana woke up soon after this and helped me get a still sleeping Hutton cleaned up and in a new diaper. After the second episode of trots around 3 am, Nana made Hutton a bed of towels on the bathroom floor. Poor little guy! Things were still iffy in the morning, so we decided to head home, after replenishing our diaper supply for the road.

We dropped Nana off at the Purple Haze Lavender Farm in Sequim to meet her friend, and Hubby and I joked as we drove by a small field of lavender that that was probably all the lavender the boys could take, anyway. Then we took the long way home through Tacoma, as Hubby didn't want to risk a long line for the ferries back to Seattle. Hutton drank a bottle of water in the car, and asked to stop to use the bathroom twice, but both times were just for pee, thank goodness. After lunch, he remained continent of bowel, and that continues to be the case, knock on wood.

So, all in all, the good times outnumbered the bad. Which is pretty impressive when you consider there were foul-smelling bodily fluids involved.

*I'll add pictures (none of bodily fluids, though) tomorrow when I bring my camera upstairs. Come on, people, I'm lazy!

Bless Her Heart

If you are from the South, or know people from the South, you may well be familiar with the phrase, "bless his/her/it's heart." Here's a little blurb on this if you don't know about this phenomenon.

Anyhoo, my MIL, bless her heart, came to visit last Wednesday, and I can handle her in small doses, but I think I rolled my eyes more this weekend than I have since her last visit. Picture me in the passenger seat of the car, Hubby driving, the boys in their carseats in the back, with MIL perched between them, rattling on about anything and everything. The most annoying thing is that MIL, bless her heart, tends to say something not particularly funny and will laugh afterwards, forcing her listeners to either roll their eyes silently, force out a slight chuckle, or say, "Mmmhmm" while rolling their eyes. Or maybe I'm the only one.

We spent a great deal of the day Friday and Saturday in the car in the above situation. Fortunately, today we dropped MIL off with her friend at the Lavender Festival and high-tailed it home (well, as much as you could call a 3 hour drive high-tailing it). We had a good excuse for not partaking in the Lavender Excitement, and I'll have to write another post about that. The point is, we spent a lot of time with MIL, and that was without the much-needed breather breaks I require from pointless chit-chat. Or maybe it's pointless chit-chat followed by laughing at everything. Oftentimes I wondered if we couldn't all just silently enjoy the beautiful scenery.

I know, I know. I'm a bad daughter-in-law. After all, my MIL came all the way to Seattle to see her son and grandsons, and paid a lot of money for us to stay at a lovely little cabin at a lovely lodge in a lovely national forest. Heck, she planted daylilies for me, and I would not be surprised if she has bought me lavender plants today as she and her friend from Florida traipsed around at the Lavender Festival. And no doubt, if she bought them, she'll gladly plant them. Plus, she is one of the sweetest women you could ever meet.

Bless my heart, I'm just a cynical bitch. That's cheating. I don't think one is allowed to bless oneself. One of you can use that phrase about me, though.

So Much To Say

I'll try to break this into manageable posts, but since I have a week's worth of information, this could get ugly!

Last Sunday, SIL & BIL and DOG arrived. We went out to dinner at a nearby brewery and ate outside to take advantage of the good weather. The next day, Hubby took the day off and we drove with SIL & BIL (DOG stayed home with our dogs) to Seattle. BIL hadn't been to Seattle, so we went and did the touristy stuff. We had lunch at the restaurant atop the Space Needle, which was nice. After lunch, we walked to the Pike Place Market. Hutton was quite the trooper, and made it nearly all the way without asking for a ride on anyone's back.

Tuesday morning, S, B & D left for Oregon, and we were back to the grind.

Wednesday, MIL arrived from Florida. Thursday, MIL accompanied the boys and me on the trip to speech therapy. While Hutton had his therapy, the rest of us went to the Bellevue Botanical Garden. MIL is a master gardener, so most trips involve plants in some way or another. This particular trip would be plant intensive it turns out! Later that afternoon, after lunch, and a trip to see my friend, we drove by the house of the daughter of a friend of MIL's from FL. The daughter is a big daylily fan, and as we drove up her driveway, we saw hundreds, no, thousands, of daylilies of every variety edging her large yard. The daughter's late husband cross-bred most of them, and they hadn't been divided in several years. The daughter said she was going to clear out a spot in her yard for different plantings, and we were welcome to any we wanted. I gladly obliged, and MIL dug them up for me, and planted them the next morning. Sometimes it's nice to have a master gardener for an in-law!

Friday, after MIL planted the daylilies for me, and Hutton had his ABA therapy at home, we headed out to the Olympic Peninsula. MIL had made reservations for us at the Lake Crescent Lodge near Port Angeles. Another friend of hers from Florida was staying there for the Lavender Festival. We had attended the festival the previous year with MIL, so it wasn't something we felt terribly exciting about, but being the ever dutiful children we are, we made the drive, involving ferry rides, to the peninsula. It turned out to be a nice drive. We missed the turn for the Edmonds-Kingston Ferry, so drove up to Mukilteo to get another ferry to Whidbey Island. This route went by the Boeing Plant, which I had never seen before, so that was interesting. It is the largest building in the world by volume, so it's quite impressive.

We took the ferry to Whidbey Island, then drove up to the next ferry (no, this wasn't the most direct route!) that would take us further across Puget Sound to Port Townsend on the Olympic Peninsula. While we waited for this ferry, we got to watch many, many airplanes circling overhead. They were military aircraft practicing take-offs and landings at the Whidbey Island Naval Air Station nearby.

The ferry rides were pleasant, and the boys enjoyed themselves.

We drove west on the peninsula towards Port Angeles, then past it towards Lake Crescent. The closer we got, the more overcast it became, and I soon regretted the shorts I was wearing. As we pulled into the entrance to the lodge, I spotted the first deer of our visit. We would see another 4 the next day! We enjoyed a lovely dinner at the lodge with MIL's friend and her husband, then went to bed late. All 5 of us, together in a one room cabin with two queen size beds and a roll-away twin bed.

More on this later...

Chirp, Chirp

Things are boring around here again. I don't think I need to inflict my boring life on you "readers." I hear the sound of crickets chirping. Readers? Are there any out there?

That said, here you go:

Sunday my sister-in-law and her husband arrive, with their dog, Wiggy. They're moving to Charlotte, but before they start their new jobs next month, are traveling the country -- one of those things that's easier to do pre-kids! We'll have to figure out something fun to do.

I've been feeling a bit depressed because I've been tired and some days I just run out of ideas of fun things to do with the boys. Just hanging out with other people makes me feel better, but I haven't done that in a few days. I've been trying to garden, but it's hard to do that and keep the boys from digging in the new dirt pile surrounding the really ugly satellite dish we have.

See, we used to have a relatively innocuous satellite dish that was small and dark green, so blended in with the plants around it. Because we have a gigantic maple tree in the line of the satellite dish, it stopped working. Hubby called to cancel our service (we were going to make do with, gasp!, basic cable) and the satellite company sent out a trouble-shooter dead set on making sure they didn't lose us as customers. So, last week, after Hutton's swim lesson, I pull into the driveway to find a guy and a van blocking the driveway. I roll down my window and he tells me he has solved our problem, but hubby had been worried I wouldn't like the solution. I look over to a huge, ugly, two-toned gray thing sticking a foot out into our driveway turn-around area, with a pile of dirt under it. What's not to like? I've been going for more of a redneck theme with my landscaping. Hey, hubby surely can't say no to a couple of goats added to the mix, now!

Yes, I'm still on my goat fixation. I don't need a dairy goat, since I don't like goat's milk. I'll just get a regular old billy goat. Or rather, a less-smelly castrated billy goat. Or a doe. Or both! If I do this, though, we'll need some fencing and a goat shed of some sort. Nothing too hard to get. The boys and I are going out of town in a few weeks, though, so I suppose I shouldn't rush right out and buy some goats, since I doubt Hubby will want to take care of them while we're gone. I will wait until my mother-in-law is here next week to broach the goat subject. She'll understand - she's from the country! I plan to do some heavy hint-dropping, as well, that we need a playsystem. Yes, I'm evil.

OK, I'm making even myself bored.

Another Day in Uh...Paradise?

Not much going on today. After Hutton's speech therapy, we went to buy shorts and shorty pajamas for the boys, since it's been so hot and neither of them have enough shorts or shorty pajamas. It's too hot to be outside, so we're all inside. When we got home, a picture hanging over the mantle had fallen, and now I have to go get the glass replaced. While checking on the best way to handle broken glass (I'm guessing putting it in a cardboard box marked broken glass...) I came across this story which almost made me cry. Yes, I'm a hormonal woman. That's a really good driver, though!

OK, I'm obviously lacking in anything interesting to say today!

Oh, and my grand goat scheme isn't going to work. I had a big idea of buying a milking goat -- two birds with one stone, you know -- MILK and YARD CLEAN-UP! Great idea, huh? After buying a pint of goat milk, I decided I really don't like the taste of goat milk. I tasted it plain. Eh. I steamed it for my latte. Eh. Even with chocolate sauce added to make it a mocha, still...Eh.

I'll give it a few more days to see if the taste grows on me, but I think it just has too strong a taste for a cow milk connoisseur.

I Should Be in Bed

But I'm reading magazines and reading stuff online, flitting back and forth between the two. Maybe I have ADHD? Hmm. Now what am I going to do when Harrison wakes up in 4 or 5 hours? Curse under my breath and trip downstairs, I suppose.

When I left the house this morning to go to the gym, Hutton had turned on the TV to watch Toy Story. Not so weird for a 4 year old, is it? How about when he had switched the audio to French? That's pretty funny. And the French guy singing the theme was no Randy Newman, let me tell you.

Back to my New York Magazine. Gotta love the free magazines Hubby gets with his unused airline miles. Yes, I can pretend to be up-to-date and cosmopolitan by having fancy magazines like this and Travel and Leisure sitting around my house.

What a Mom Wants

This spring, two of my friends had birthday parties for their boys at the local Rainbow dealership. The last party was Sunday. Hubby and I were discussing the party beforehand. He asked if Rainbow charged for these parties, as they were essentially free advertising for them, when all the guests come and play and want to then buy Rainbow playsystems. I agreed with him, but said they do charge for them. I didn't want to ask the hosts how much they charge, nor did I want to inquire at Rainbow, because I don't want to have a party there...yet.

After playing at the Rainbow place for the second time, my appetite was whetted for a really expensive playsystem . The first time just planted the seed, I think. From Sunday night on, I've been looking at the Rainbow catalog longingly, though realistically. No, we can't afford to spend at least $1500 on a swing set (though that's cheaper than two Aeron chairs...). I've looked at Craig's List, considered just buying a cheap metal swing set, looked at various other non-Rainbow websites, etc.

After all of my research, I've decided THIS is what I want. If you buy it at Costco, and don't have it delivered, it's cheaper. Now I just have to broach the subject with Hubby. And it's not just for the boys. If they have this playsystem, it will be 100 times easier to keep them contained when we're outside. Now, when we're outside, I'm constantly circling the house, trying to move them both into one play area. "Please, come play in the sandbox! No, don't color on the front door with chalk. Just on the sidewalk. Please don't trample my plants..." You get the idea. Yes, I'm looking for justification for NEEDING this expensive playsystem, but really -- I NEED it. (That or a really good herding dog.)

Of course, even if I can convince Hubby to buy this, there's the whole issue of getting it home and set up. We no longer own a pick-up truck, and Hubby can barely muster the energy to mow the lawn, let alone spend hours assembling this thing. I've decided I will hire a handy man to do this. (Craig's List, again.)

On to the second issue: where in our overgrown yard to put this thing? We have very little lawn (so why is it so hard for Hubby to mow it?), but we have almost an acre of land. Most of it is woody shrubs and weeds. There's a perfect section for a playsystem, though, overgrown as it is. And of course, I have the perfect solution: a GOAT! Yes, if we could get a goat in that area, he or she'd chew that stuff down in no time. Strangely enough, though, there are no rental goat places around here that I can find, and since I've never owned a goat before, I don't really think Hubby will go for that. And yes, rental goat places do exist. My stepmother rented some goats last year to clean up a big area of land at her house.

So, you see, I dream big. But really, a goat and a play system. Is that so much to ask for? I'm not asking for a new car or diamonds here!

Karma for the Angry Bitch

I'll start this out by saying that I don't really believe in Karma. I wish it existed, but I don't believe it. If it existed, there are so many things that would be different in this world.

On that note, this morning was the perfect payback for my angry day yesterday (and the angry days before yesterday). I got up early enough to make the boys breakfast at home, rather than putting them in the car and throwing granola bars at them, which is the usual Tuesday and Thursday morning routine, since we have to leave by 8:30 to make it to Hutton's speech therapy on time. And, because I had enough time, I made myself a coffee, too. Not just a regular drip. No, I don't drink that crap around here! I made myself a double mocha...with whip. So, I placed my giant mug (no, I didn't put the coffee in a Thermos) on the center console, and got the boys in their carseats. I was feeling so smug, as I climbed into the driver's seat, and swung my big, stupid, clumsy elbow right into the mug of coffee I hadn't yet placed in the cup holder three inches in front of it.

It immediately toppled upside down onto the floor board in front of Harrison. There was barely a drip of coffee left in the mug as I sadly picked it up and brought it inside, where I grabbed a huge stack of towels to soak up the mess.

I didn't allow myself to wallow in misery. I just chalked it up to bad karma from my bitchiness for the past week. And you know what? We've had an awesome day today!

After Hutton's speech therapy, we went to lunch, then to the Children's Museum, where we all had a great time. Then to the pet store for dog food, and on the way home we got ice cream.

So, even though I don't believe in you, Karma, you've made me a kinder, gentler Mommy today. Thank you!

Angry Bitch

Over the past year, I've become an angry bitch. Before I had kids, I was a bitch maybe 5% of the time. After kids, my bitchiness increased year by year, and now that Harrison has turned two and Hutton seems to be at the peak of his crazy behaviors (I hope this is the peak! If it gets higher, I'm going to need to get high just to deal with this stuff!) I'm a bitch 85% of the time. I save my nice behavior for outings with the kids, so outsiders don't realize that I'm an angry bitch.

Some of my reasons for being angry:

My really fancy Aeron desk chair that hubby got me when he bought himself a new chair, too, now smells like Lysol and poop, and I put it at Hutton's desk because the smell of Lysol gives me a headache, and the smell of poop makes me want to vomit.

Why, you ask, does my desk chair smell like Lysol and poop? Or did you just assume that was the smell I ordered when I was picking out the features of my Aeron? "Hmm, I like the graphite color, and do I want the smell of freesia and lilac, apples and cinnamon, musk and patchouli....no, that's it! Lysol and POOP!"

My chair smells like poop because Hutton pooped in his diaper sometime before he woke up on Tuesday morning. He wears a diaper at night because I'd be changing the sheets every day if not. And every once in a while, instead of just peeing during the night, he'll poop, too. And Tuesday morning, when he woke up with a loaded diaper, he acted as if nothing was wrong with that, and went upstairs to play with his computer. Except he didn't play with his computer. He played with MY computer. And sat in MY chair. There was no poop actually on the chair, but just having his poop-filled diaper pressed into my chair for a half hour was enough. I didn't realize he'd sat in my chair until later that day when I sat down and got the whiff of poop. That's where the Lysol comes in. After 5 sprayings of Lysol, with several hours drying time in between, my chair still smells like poop. And Lysol, of course. So, now I'm sitting in my crappy old desk chair that was at Hutton's desk, and he can enjoy the wonder of the Aeron, since he apparently doesn't mind the smell of his own poop.

Not enough?

I took Harrison to a Gymboree class today, leaving Hutton at home with hubby. When I walked in, the freezer door was wide open, and our dog, Fergus, was licking the last remains of a gallon of ice cream out of the open carton. Hmm. I wonder who left an open carton of ice cream on the floor and the freezer door open? Hubby? Or Hutton?

Still not feeling the anger?

As I was getting Harrison ready for bed, reading him the tenth book, I would occasionally call out to Hutton, who was still in the tub: "That's enough soap!" because he's a notorious soap waster, especially when he has a bottle of liquid soap, which is the case now. I listened carefully and didn't hear the sound of the soap pump, just the sound of water being poured. Nothing to worry about. He's just playing in the tub. Harrison's finally in bed, and I walk down the hall to get Hutton ready for bed. Turn into the bathroom, and there's an inch of water on the floor. Hutton looks up at me, and tells me, "I made a mess!" Yeah, no shit. (At least there was literally, no shit.) Normally Hubby puts Hutton to bed while I put Harrison to bed, but tonight he has a big work project to do. So, I got to put Hutton to bed AND wipe up the mess.

Think of several more little instances like this. At least three things happen daily to make me scream. My switch used to be able to get flipped back to "normal" at the end of the day, but now it seems to be worn down and stays at ANGRY BITCH constantly.

What the Hell?

I get a lot of email. Both wanted and unwanted. I check it frequently so it doesn't "pile up" (yeah, I know email can't really pile up...), and that includes my junk mail folder. I can usually tell spam at a glance, but sometimes I actually look at the text of the message just to double check.

So, for that reason, I've noticed a lot of weird spam messages lately, that include some strange blocks of prose, but no indication of what they are trying to sell. The latest one I received was from "Daren Boone." It was "re: Warning!" Here's what it said:

And do you know why, Paul? "Reluctantly, Hezekiah allowed the gosha to subside to the end of its leather string like a slowing pendulum. She reached in and took out a handful of something and flung it into the face of the first sleeping Paul Sheldon. did the Baron kill Calthorpe?

He kept thinking she would tear the paper to shreds, but it seemed she did not quite dare do this. Annie Wilkes was in her grave. He answered with no hesitation at all. "But would you want to stay? Well, I guess you could. Ramage who drove, cracking the whip over the bewildered Mary, who would have told them, if horses could talk, that this was all wrong she was supposed to be dozing in her warm stall come this time of night. The article noted that some of Annies alleged victims had even lived long enough to be given real names.

Huh. Who writes this stuff? And can I get a job writing it, too?! I'll use that pesky punctuation stuff! OK, I realize it's a computer-generated amalgamation of crap, but still. It would be fun to write!

I deleted this message without checking it out further, but then went back to look at it in my deleted mail folder; the fun prose had disappeared and been replaced with:
Diet Pill Breakthrough! Click to learn more about Hoodia.

Sigh. It seemed so much more exciting when it was talking about Annie's victims. Botched gastric bypass patients of Dr. Annie, perhaps? Wait, wasn't Annie Wilkes the character in Misery? Allie? Yep, just Googled it.

Memories of Dad

Two posts in one day! It's always feast or famine around here. The following is a disjointed, stream of consciousness type post, but that's how memories tend to be, right?

Father's Day is bittersweet for me since my father passed away nearly two years ago. Dad was 58. Not young, by any means, but by no means was he old, either. He was a man who enjoyed his life and was ready to finally retire. He'd retired before, but
always got sucked back into working. He loved a challenge, and even though he enjoyed golfing and relaxing, too, he didn't really like sitting around for long, and usually had several projects going.

Classic cars were a favorite of Dad's. From the time I was born, there was always at least one cute little sportster in the carport/garage/shed (as we moved to nicer houses, there were nicer places for the cars Dad was working on to inhabit). If you were to look into the garages (yes, plural) at Dad's final residence, where my stepmother and their various cats and dogs still live, you'd see 3 newer cars in the main garage, and 4 classics in various states of repair that Dad was reconstructing in the garage out back.

My Mom likes to tell the story of how when we lived in Gainesville, Florida, Dad would commandeer our metal swingset to use as an engine hoist. Yes, Dad was an engineer, and never needed to buy new things when he could make do with old ones. My first "big kid" bicycle was a boys' bike Dad spray-painted hot pink for me. It definitely did the trick, even though I gladly replaced it with a brand new rainbow bike when I received that as a birthday gift a few years later.

Growing up, most nights after work and dinner, Dad would go down to the garage to work on a car or some other project. He'd come up sometime in the evening, still wearing his "Latka Suit" as we called it (yes, named after the character from Taxi) to watch TV with us and have some popcorn.

Dad didn't just work on cars. He loved home repair, too. He turned the basement of our first house in Massachusetts into a recroom (complete with the old chairs he'd made out of barrels years before), and my brother got to move into a really cool bedroom in the attic, while his old bedroom was turned into a guest room and a master bath.

We moved into an older home a few years later, and that involved lots of work for everyone. Dad worked on the exterior and bathrooms, we kids helped strip ancient wallpaper from the walls using spray bottles of vinegar and putty knives, and Mom re-wallpapered everything in updated, not-so-hideous wallpapers.

One of my fondest memories of Dad involves one of the classic cars. When I was 10, when we were living in the older home mentioned above, I was on a pet kick. My gerbil, Sting, had just died, so I decided to replace him with a rabbit instead of another gerbil (we had another gerbil named Pinecone before Sting). I had a bit of a problem with the rabbits, though. (Hmm, rabbit problems. Sounds familiar.) The first one I bought at a pet store. He was a beautiful gray and white Dutch rabbit I named Peter. (Original, no?) A few days later, he started screaming. Hearing a rabbit scream is horrifying. We took it to the vet, who said it had a bacterial infection, and "put it to sleep." I got another rabbit from the pet store to replace poor Peter. This one was a black rabbit I named Satin. Satin had an outdoor hutch that was low to the ground, and escaped the next day. I think I didn't latch the door properly. Yeah, I was a bad pet owner. (Actually, that's not true. We had ducks when we lived in a house on a pond, and our first three ducklings didn't make it because they were allowed in the pond too early and were killed by snapping turtles, except for one, which our vet adopted. It had one partially amputated foot, so could only swim in circles. After that, we got two more ducklings, which I raised as my own. They followed me around, and when their adult feathers grew in, I let them free in the pond. Flebster and Webster lived on for many years.)

After that, Dad decided to take me to a rabbit breeder to pick out a new rabbit. This was the breeder his company used as a source of lab rabbits. Yep, pretty morbid, but I didn't care if my new pet rabbit was albino and bred for blood work! As it turns out, the breeder had many breeds to choose from, and I chose a beautiful black and white lop-eared rabbit. So, what does this have to do with cars? Well, Dad took me to pick out my rabbit in one of his cars. I don't remember if it was an Alfa-Romeo or an MG, but either way, it was a small two-seater with a leaky convertible top, and it was raining out. I didn't care, because I was riding shotgun in a cool car with Dad, and I got to hold a beautiful rabbit Dad had bought for me on the ride home. After playing with my new bunny, I put him in the hutch that was now attached to a tree, double checked the lock, and went inside. The next day, the cage was hanging from the tree, and the door broken open. This time it was definitely not my fault. That rabbit was huge, so it's possible he had escaped on his own, or it could have been a predatory animal of some sort. But either way, that was it for me and rabbits for a while! I moved on to guinea pigs after that.

When we visited last year for my stepsister's wedding, the pool had a snafu, and water had backed up in the garage with the classic cars. Hubby hosed them all off, but was concerned that these cars should be sold as soon as possible, as they are not getting any younger or repairing themselves, and the longer they sit, the more chances that something bad can happen to them as they sit under tarps. I doubt my stepmother has acted on Hubby's advice, though. My stepmother is still getting over Dad's death, I know. I wish we lived closer so we could help her tackle everything, but then again, I don't think she even wants to tackle any of it. My stepsister and her husband are close by at least.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! I miss you!

Father's Day Fun

This Father's Day started out for me at 3:30 a.m., when Harrison woke up. I went downstairs, patted his back, and turned on the lullaby music on the "Baby Tad" toy he sleeps with. Thankfully, that did the trick. The next time he woke up, sometime after dawn, a Father's Day miracle occurred. Hubby went downstairs and got Harrison out of his crib, and brought him upstairs to put in bed with us. Wow! I didn't have to get out of bed again! Amazing!

When I did get out of bed again around 9 (that's usually when the boys start making a lot of noise, which leads me to believe they're destroying something, plus the dogs start getting restless wanting breakfast and to go out) I decided I should do the right thing. I made waffles for the boys and myself, and a few extra to bring up to Hubby so he could have breakfast in bed on his special day. When Hutton and I took the waffles up to him, it was about 9:45. A little while later, when the boys and I were done with breakfast and came back upstairs, I checked on Hubby. Fast asleep in bed, with the empty breakfast tray sleeping beside him on my side of the bed. Awww! It looked cute enough that I didn't harbor resentment against Hubby for getting to sleep in, whereas I have not had a chance to sleep in since last week sometime. (Yes, I know 9 o'clock is sleeping in to some of you, but I don't count it, since it is sleep interrupted by Harrison every 20 minutes or so. And Hubby is much better at sleeping through the children than I am. Or he's a better sleep actor than I am. Not sure which one.)

The rest of our Father's Day will probably involve taking Hubby out to lunch at a really fancy boring place. Probably one of the places we go all the time, like Acapulco Fresh, or is Hubby is feeling crazy, Red Robin. And we'll give him the little box I ordered with a "Hutton Original" watercolor on the lid. It turned out very well, and I think it will look good on the dresser to help contain all the stuff that seems to multiply in Hubby's pants pockets.

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there!

Sad Autism Stories

Earlier this week, on one of the many Autism email lists I read, the news arrived. A little boy in Maple Valley, WA (about an hour south of where I live) had walked out of his house at night and was struck and killed by a hit and run driver. He was 3. Here's a link to the story.

This really hits home for me. Hutton used to leave the house and yard a lot. Thank goodness he seems to have outgrown this autistic tendency. The second time he left the house, he walked to the end of the street and crossed a busy road. We found him a few minutes later at the home across the street from our street, but it was nerve-wracking. Another time, Hutton, wearing only a diaper, ended up at the other end of the street, in the creek. Again, he was found quickly, but each of these instances caused me to age 20 years. I'm surprised my hair hasn't turned white.

Though soon after the first escape, we added a bar lock at the top of the door, and put alarms on the doors, there were still a few more escapes. The times I'd be in the yard, and look away for a minute, to realize Hutton wasn't around. One of these times, a family had been walking on the trail that cuts across the end of our street (where the creek is) and saw Hutton walking towards them. They brought him up the street, and I thanked them and started to walk Hutton back into our yard. I had to put up with the mother of the family giving me THE LOOK. Autism parents know it well. THE LOOK says, "You may just be the worst, most irresponsible parent I've ever seen." I tend to smile as politely as possible (no, really, I don't give them an "eat shit" smile at all!) and walk away without going through the whole, "You see my son has Autism..." spiel. That rarely changes THE LOOK, and frankly, I don't really want to bother with some people. Let them believe that I was passed out with a bottle of tequila in front of the TV and woke up hours later to realize my son was gone. (No, I'm not a tequila drinker. Though I do like margaritas, I'm way too lazy to make them.)

I can only imagine the pain the family of this boy is going through right now, and I'm sure there are people who will hear the news and blame the parents. Very sad.

The second story takes place in South Florida, my old stompin' grounds, where Hubby and I lived right after we married. This story involves a 21-year-old man with Autism being sexually assaulted by a man hired by the victim's family to take him on outings. This one tends to make me dread the future, as there is no telling at this point just what Hutton will be like when he is a young man. Even now, as a soon-to-be-kindergartner, he has many, many adults in his life who interact with him in one-on-one situations. All I can say is, I completely trust all of the adults he has in his life right now, but sick, sick people live in this world. Which reminds me: we have to do "the talk" with Hutton about private parts soon.

OK, Can I Give Them Back Now?

Today was a day I wondered why I thought having kids was such a great idea. In fact, I wondered this aloud to myself, as I inhaled the fumes of "Goo Gone" and scrubbed the walls. Me: "Why was it really necessary to pass on your fabulous genes? Really, are you that vain that you think the world wouldn't have been complete without half of your DNA floating around in the form of children? Just think what exciting things you could have been doing right now instead of scrubbing the walls with Goo Gone!"

The day started out happily groggily normally enough. I woke up at dawn to get Harrison, he slept in bed with us a little while, then got "down" from bed to go play. An hour or so later, hubby was fiddling with his alarm clock, thinking it was the source of the soft Muzak-style sounds we heard. Nope, that was "A Whole New World" from the Aladdin soundtrack blaring on the CD player downstairs in Hutton's room. I was glad to be hearing the soft version of the song. It ended soon after, and I snoozed again, interrupted by Harrison, carrying in a big toy that needed new batteries, saying, "Help You! Help You!" I told him to go find something else to play with, but did get out of bed finally to feed the dogs and let them out. After that, the boys had breakfast, and I took Hutton into his room to get dressed.

Hmm. The pillows are all on the floor. I guess he and Harrison were playing around when the Aladdin soundtrack was on earlier. Looking more closely: What is that on the pillows? CRAYON?!!! Quickly followed by frantic looking around the room further: CRAP, it's on the bed, the walls, the sheets, the comforter! Sending Hutton upstairs partially dressed so I could scream and tear my hair out in peace...

After attempting to scrub the walls with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (don't know what sort of caustic substance this thing uses, but it has saved my ass in the past, when Hutton drew on the walls with a dry erase marker at our former hospital volunteer job) I decided it wasn't cutting it. I was disintegrating on the textured walls. (Years ago, we skim-coated the walls in every room of the house but Hutton's, which used to be the guest room, and still haven't made it around to skim-coating Hutton's walls.) Oh well. Back to the cleaning cabinet for the GOO GONE. I then scrubbed around on various surfaces for the next hour, talking and cursing aloud to myself, pretty much acting like the crazy person I have become. I finally stopped when I realized I was scrubbing the inside of the closet doors, which would never be seen by anyone but me, Hutton and Harrison, so I decided I didn't care if there were blue crayon marks still smeared around.

I was angry at the boys (Harrison is a big crayon fiend, and he doesn't understand that his artistic touches with colored wax aren't appreciated unless they're done on PAPER!) but also at myself, for being stupid enough to leave the box of crayons Hutton had received as a end-of-the-year gift from his physical therapist at school on the dresser in his room. The boys loved those crayons, but didn't bother opening the new notebook that the crayons came attached to. And unfortunately, those new crayons are the old-fashioned non-washable kind. And no, that type of crayon doesn't wash out of fabric easily. At least it didn't after the first wash. I'll know more after the second wash cycle completes in a little while.

A couple hours pass by. Hutton is working with his home therapist in his room, and I'm finally enjoying my coffee and reading email. Ahhh.

I go in to take a shower. Hutton bursts into the room to happily announce that he made a mess. I ask him if he's talking about earlier with the crayons, because, yes that was a mess. He nods excitedly and laughs. I grit my teeth and send him out.

A few minutes later, downstairs, his therapist breaks the news that no, he wasn't talking about earlier. While she was cleaning up his index cards, Hutton had grabbed the markers and colored on the carpet. I smile and nod and say, "Well, we have a steam cleaner for those things..."

Any guess as to how I spent my early afternoon?

Hubby just took the boys out. I don't know where they went, and I don't care. Actually, that's a lie. I was thinking as they left that I'd be a little bummed out if they went and saw a movie without me.

UPDATE: The crayon marks faded a bit, but are still visible on the yellow pillowcases.

I kept close watch of the boys all afternoon, pretending to be a good parent. However, at one point I went upstairs to tell hubby dinner would be ready in a few minutes. When I returned, Hutton and/or Harrison had knocked over a lamp in Hutton's room. So, in case scrubbing walls, steam-cleaning carpets, and doing laundry wasn't enough crap to do today in addition to my regular routine, I also had a chance to pick up little shards of light bulb glass and vacuum as an after dinner treat.

Where's the wine?

YAWN!

Harrison, my baby, is 2 now. It's been a full week, and I've come to terms that he's not a baby anymore, even though I still call him my baby, and will until he's a teenager. And then I'll probably continue, just to annoy him.

We had a party for him on Sunday. I spent a lot of Saturday baking him a cake, using the special Elmo cake pan my friend, Liz, lent me. I had to make a few trips to the grocery store, as I didn't write a list of what I needed. Hmm. So, that's what those are for!

After baking the Elmo cake, I let it cool for about 10 minutes, then attempted to remove the cake from the pan. I was doing pretty well, until I reached the upper left quadrant. Elmo cake looked like he'd been in a serious accident. I pressed pieces of cake back into the giant gashes, and hoped that frosting would cover the problem areas.

It did to an extent, but Elmo still looked like he'd had a really rough night after I slapped on the frosting. His fur looked disheveled, his face was a bit uneven, and when I added the pupils to his jaundiced looking eyes (hey, buttercream frosting has a lot of butter, and butter is yellow, OK?!) they started to drip down his eyeballs.

I had to get all the other food together, so I didn't have a lot of time to worry about Elmo's imperfections. The end results were good though. The cake was yummy, and Harrison looked goth after getting black frosting smeared on his face.

So, on to the title of this post. Harrison wakes up at dawn every day. Every once in a while he'll wake up in the middle of the night, but thankfully that's an exception and not the rule. The rule is waking at dawn, though. And here in the Northwest, dawn comes at 4:45 a.m. in June. Yay, me. I can usually get him to sleep in bed with me for another hour or so, and then he'll get up and go play on his own for a little while. But the damage is done. My 5 hours of sleep, followed by a couple of hours of interrupted sleep, just don't cut it. Isn't it time for a nap, Harrison?

At least I can look forward to the days slowly getting shorter next week! Come on, Summer Solstice!

Oh My!

Well, I started this post hours ago, but my computer keeps crashing on me.

I received an email from a friend earlier tonight, and I was laughing hysterically for several minutes. I attempted to figure out how to share it here, but it's a pdf file, and after several failed attempts, I gave up on trying to convert it and finally just posted a bunch of pictures in separate posts. Yes, I'm a computer loser. Or is that looser?

Anyway, the email involved pictures of several truly bad album covers, and was titled, "The Worst Album Covers Ever!" Really, these were horrifying, hilarious and moving.

This led me to this website. Hours of fun await you here!

And after seeing Millie Jackson listed on several different sites under "Bad Album Covers," I must say, I'm going to be doing some more research on this little lady! She indeed does seem to be the shit!


*********************
Below are the fab albums featured in the original email. They're heavy on the gospel and religious freaks, but there are a smattering of "hot" and/or gay guys and a dummy and some blind chicks for good measure.

Oh, Jim, I love your life, too! 

Maybe they should have gone for cover art instead of a photo. 

Sigh. Me too. 

Hmmm. Can't make fun of this one. 

And he's really fun! 

Swingers 

Yeehaw! 

HOT HOT HOT! 

No comment. 

No, please don't let them touch me! (That's what he said.) 

See, pedophiles have been around long before Myspace. 

Just Joyce. 

I love the ZAP across the devastatin' crotch. 

Uh, sure. You know, why don't you just keep it? 

The three on the right seem to be distancing themselves from the the BIG GUY 

Thank God Ken doesn't just show up unrequested 

Scare ME! 

Monday Catsup

Ketchup is good, isn't it? One of my fave condiments. I last had it on Thursday, when we went to McDonald's after Hutton's speech therapy session. We have 30 minutes to get home from speech therapy in time for Hutton to catch the bus, and that usually means I feed my children crap, like, well, McDonald's. I only feel guilty about it when he gives me away in front of his speech therapist. I walk in to pick him up, ask him what he's been doing, and he happily exclaims, "Go to McDonald's for lunch!" I sort of mumble under my breath, "Yeah, we'll see..." meaning, "Of course we're going to McDonald's, it's a speech therapy day, isn't it?"

Anyway, as I was driving home, with my #2 combo in my lap, enjoying my salty fries with ketchup, I looked down at a stop light, and was horrified to see that McDonald's now puts the nutritional information on the medium size fries. Gasp! Should I really eat these? After all they have more calories than I usually eat in an entire meal, and that's not including the quarter pounder and Mr. Pibb. Hmm, I guess it's OK if it's only once a week (or twice...). After all, Harrison is still nursing, so I get extra calories for that, right?

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I have to send a shout out to my friends L, M and A on the birth of little J. Congrats! He's gorgeous!

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Anyone else watch the Sopranos? Hubby and I were annoyed and disappointed by last night's episode. Considering it will be another 12 years before Season 8, that wasn't that impressive. I was getting more confused than I normally do. (During a normal episode, we have to pause several times to discuss: "Wait, who's that guy? Who are they talking about? Isn't he dead?") I really liked that skit from SNL last year about the Sopranos, where even the characters didn't remember what was happening on the show.

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A quote I read in last week's Time that I really enjoyed:

"We want Barbaro [this year's Kentucky Derby winner, who broke his leg in the Preakness] to have a reasonable quality of life," says [surgeon who repaired his leg] Richardson. "I think that would be enhanced if he's able to have sex with lots of pretty mares."

Hey, who doesn't love the pretty mares?

A Really Sh*tty Post

WARNING! The following post is about poop. Do not read if you have a weak stomach!

Yes, I've sunk to a new low. I'm writing about poop. It's just because of two particularly shitty events today. Literally.

The first: I heard Hutton go into the bathroom and close the door, and he didn't emerge within a minute, so I knew he was pooping. I went down to help him clean up. This is probably one of the worst parts of being a mother - having to wipe another human's butt, often several times a day, for many years.

Anyway, after wiping Hutton down, I noticed he hadn't flushed the toilet yet, which he usually does immediately after pooping. So, I went to flush, but noticed that his turds were a really gross (well, most poop is!) gray color. So, I decided to read up on my autism sites about poop color issues. (Autism often has lots of bowel issues involved, which is why many children with autism benefit from being on special diets, such as the gluten-free and casein-free diet, which Hutton was on for about 9 months.) I really didn't find what I was looking for, but came across this site, which is really very funny. So, thought I'd share the scatological humor with anyone who shares my juvenile tastes.

On to the second shitty event. Harrison came over to me this evening asking to be picked up. I bent down to pick him up and noticed immediately that he'd been busy filling his diaper while I was researching poop. I then noticed that the poop had leaked out of his onesie (his pants had been thrown into the hamper hours earlier, after he got them muddy and wet outside) and was all over his legs and on the toddler rocking chair he'd been sitting in. Yay! I love poops that involve not only hosing down my child, but also doing an extra load (no pun intended) of laundry.

Well, that's all there is to that. See, not too terribly graphic. Well, at least not for other moms. Or teenage boys. I remember lots of poop talk from my guy friends in high school. Lee, are you out there? I'm thinking of you!