Friendship...or the Lack Thereof

Something has been weighing on my mind lately. It involves of all things, a Halloween party.

Back story: We have been "friends" with another couple, the Xes, for several years, since we met them on a ski trip the winter after we moved to Washington. We don't hang out that frequently now that both couples have kids, but see each other a few times a year at parties or other get-togethers. Over the years, they have invited us to their annual Halloween parties. Several months ago, Hubby and Mr. X started working together in the same department. Hubby actually told Mr. X about the job. So, they are seeing each other more and are closer friends than they used to be.

Now, onto the weighty issue. This year, we received an invitation to their Halloween party in the mail. I was excited to go. Figure out what the boys would want to wear, come up with costumes for Hubby and myself, you know, the regular party deal. Soon after, Hubby asked if we'd received an invitation, and I told him we had. He then said, "So I was talking to Mr. X., and he mentioned that last year, the babysitters they hired to watch the kids at the party had a hard time dealing with Hutton. So, he asked if we could bring a babysitter for him." I gave Hubby the death glare I wished I could have given Mr. X, but since I couldn't transmit the glare through Hubby, it didn't do much. After a moment of glaring, I said, "Yeah, we weren't invited to their party last year." Hubby said, "Oh, then I guess the year before..."

Hmm. We weren't invited to their party last year. I had invited them all to Hutton's birthday party that summer, but only Mr. X and the younger son showed up. And we hadn't been invited to the party, so I had conned myself into believing maybe they weren't having a party that year, but I think I really knew and felt bad that we weren't invited. But now I know why. Because "the babysitters had trouble with Hutton."

This makes me both angry and sad. I am angry that we are made to feel obligated to hire a babysitter to accompany us to a party, when there will already be babysitters there. But, because our son is apparently so hard to handle, we need to hire one-on-one help. Now, if my BFF had brought this up, I really don't think I'd have a problem with it. If she said, "You know, it might be kinda loud and get crazy at the party, so do you think we should hire a babysitter to keep an eye on Hutton?" I wouldn't blink an eye. I'd probably say, "That's a great idea!" In fact, we did just that at her son's first birthday party this year, as it was a month after Hutton ran away from an outdoor birthday party. So, it makes sense, and I can see why they suggested it, but I still feel angry. I guess I can see how much Hutton has progressed over the summer, and I don't really think he'd need an extra one-on-one sitter to watch him at a party, where both of his parents will be present, as well as at least two babysitters hired by the host family.

And then the sadness kicks in. I feel sad that this is what we have to expect from this family in the future. And I'm sure they won't be the only family of "NTs" who feel this way, who won't want my autistic son at their party unless he is completely reined in by an adult who can devote full attention to him only. I really just wanted to go have fun at a party, but now I don't think I'll be able to do that, knowing we're being silently judged with our "crazy" child running amok.

So, after mulling this over more than it probably needs mulling, I've come up with a lot of cons to attending this party, including that hiring a babysitter, at $20 hour for three hours or so, is going to be a lot money, and Hubby says we need to budget. If we're going to spend that on a babysitter, I'd rather go out on a date than to a Halloween party. In addition, I'll be watching Hutton regardless, to make sure he doesn't eat something he shouldn't. I really don't trust others with this, since apparently one of his teachers has already forgotten about his food issues within a month, and gave him a graham cracker the other day. So, if I'm going to be watching him carefully to make sure he doesn't eat something he shouldn't, why should I pay someone else to watch him, too?

After thinking of these cons, I've come up with the following options:

1. Suck it up. Hire a babysitter and attend party. Pretend to be happy to be there, so Hubby, who will actually enjoy being there, can have some time with his friends.

2. Tell Hubby I couldn't find a babysitter, so he and Harrison should go, and Hutton and I will stay home.

3. Hire a babysitter, have her stay here with the boys, then attend party. Tell hosts, "Well, since we're spending $20 hour on a babysitter, I figured I'd rather the boys get to bed on time. And Hutton has food allergies, so I didn't trust him to not have an infraction, anyway."

4. Have Hubby go to party solo. He can tell the hosts whatever he wants. (My wife hates you now. My family all has small pox....)

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So, what do you think? What would you do? Am I being unreasonable and touchy? Or am I just feeling something only a fellow touchy Autism mom could understand? Give me a vote in your comments!

And I was really getting excited about this Halloween party. I have a great costume idea for myself, but it will remain a secret until Halloween, provided I actually dress up.