Weekly Catch-Up

Let's see.
The other day on Allie's blog, Allie said in her comment about my comment that I should post about this, so here it is:

On Tuesday, I saw this article about mutilated stingrays being found on Australian beaches, as "payback" for the death of beloved Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. I didn't get around to posting about it, then saw Allie's post on Wednesday. So below is my contribution to the whole "let's get even with the stingrays" idea.

Many people do not know this, but I have heard that the stingrays had been planning this attack on Steve Irwin for YEARS! That's right. Stingrays have been anti-Steve ever since they were alerted to his existence by saltwater crocodiles. As soon as the stingrays found out about Steve's whole "conservation" gimmick and his extensive use of the exclamation, "Crikey!", they realized this goes against everything they as stingrays believe. (I don't want to get into the whole thing, but if you read the Stingray Manifesto, you can find out what the stingrays believe.) So, with the help of some saltwater crocodiles, a select group of stingrays made their way to caves in Afghanistan, where they lived and trained with Osama Bin Laden. As you can see, the stingrays are terrorists, and this stingray backlash is totally deserved.

However, it has also come to my attention that sea turtles are also evil, and attempting to take over the world. Along with the saltwater crocodile, they have the whole reptilian ability to live in water and on land, and are therefore set for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. Unlike the crocodiles, the sea turtles have managed to fool many into thinking they are peaceful creatures, which only helps their cause, as their human pawns help conserve their nesting grounds and try to prevent their destruction. But, as you can see, we must end the terrorism of the seas, and if we have to kill everything in the ocean, so be it. Though the stingrays killed Steve Irwin, we mustn't get distracted just killing them. No, we must make this an all out war on terrorism, and go after the sea turtles, too. If we allow the sea turtles to continue their rapid reproduction, they will fan out to spread the hatred. Whales and porpoises are bound to be next to jump on board the terrorism bandwagon, and if the penguins and adorable baby seals get wind of this...oh, I can only imagine what would happen!

Remember Steve Irwin, and do your part to stop the cycle of terror.

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Doo da doo...

Today, as I was helping Hutton with his homework, (thank God it's only a weekly thing!) I lost my patience at least a dozen times. I will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER homeschool my children because we'd all be in bad shape. Before Hutton, I once thought I could have been a teacher. I was a camp counselor one summer, and realized that the 11 and 12-year-old boys were fine, if immature. The girls, on the other hand, were BITCHES. I was never a bitch until I became an adult, so I was a bit surprised by how bitchy those adolescent girls could be! I watched a Dateline last night on the subject of mean girls. I'm feeling a bit relieved I have boys!

Anyway, I am a horrible teacher. All Hutton had to do was fill in a worksheet on the lowercase letter a, involving tracing the letter, then freehanding 3 of them. The tracing was fine. The freehand was not. "Hutton, you have to stay below the dotted line. It's a lowercase letter. No, don't go that way, circle around the other way. Around and down. Around and down. AROUND AND DOWN! Stay BELOW THE DOTTED LINE! SWEET JESUS, SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL!" Yeah, if I were a teacher, I'd be fired pretty quickly.

That said, there is definitely a problem with our schools, and I'm obviously not going to be of any help fixing the problem. Our kids really aren't learning in school. Let me give you another example.

This afternoon, I went to the local Jo-Ann store to return the suckiest knitting needles ever. (The other night, while watching a movie, I decided to knit so I wouldn't just waste time watching a movie. I like to multi-task, see. So, as soon as I picked up these bargain needles, they broke. The little plastic cord came off the needle part on one side, then on the other. I had not even started knitting yet. Jeez. I attempted to knit with them, replacing the cord every two seconds, then finally gave up.) So, since these were defective needles, I assumed I could return them to the store without a receipt. They were Jo-Ann brand, after all.

I head to the store. There is no one at the front counter, so I look around for a few minutes until a teenage girl appears and asks me if she can help me. I tell her I'd like to return the needles, as they were broken, but I don't have a receipt. She immediately looks like a deer in the headlights, and calls for back-up. The old biddy who comes to take over tells me that she can only give me a replacement of the same item since I don't have a receipt. I tell her since the needles are defective, I'd rather have a store credit so I can buy some better quality needles. She then tells me that I'll have to accept 40% off of the original purchase price as my credit, since that's store policy. (Jo-Ann routinely mails out 40% off store coupons, so I guess they assume anyone who shops there will have only paid 60% of the retail price.) I'm fine with that. These were really cheap needles anyway. You get what you pay for, right? So, Old Biddy leaves, and Teenage Girl is left to give me a store credit for 40% off of the original price.

TG: "Oh gosh, I hate math! 40% off of x. Hmm."
Me, doing the math in my head: "Well, 10% of x is y, so if you multiply that by 4..."
TG, getting calculator: "Uh, 40% of x..."
Me: "Multiply x by .40. Then subtract that from x."
TG: "Multiply by..." Puzzled look. "Ok, that's y." [No, it's not y, but hey, if you're going to manage to mess up a simple equation while using a calculator, and it's in my favor by 50 cents, I'm going to take it and just call it a stupidity tax.]

Finally, I get my very small store credit on a Jo-Ann Gift Card, then go off to find some better needles.

I return to the counter, along with 3 other customers. Again, nobody is at the counter to help. I yell, "HELLO!" a few times to get TG back up to front.

So, what did I learn from this? The teenage girl really does hate math, and as such is not really cut out to work at a store that doesn't do everything by computer. Also, that when you buy crappy merchandise, the store guarantee on the package is worth pretty much nothing. Or maybe it's 40% off of nothing. So, what would that be? I never got a reply to the email complaint I sent to Jo-Ann.com Wednesday night, either. Again, you get what you pay for, right?

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Last thing:

Driving in my car, before the trip to Jo-Ann, I was listening to NPR. There was news headline that caught my ear: "Fire managers say the Flick Creek fire burned another 275 acres yesterday and has now covered nearly 12 square miles. The fire was started July 26th by a woman burning her diary."

WTF? 12 square miles?! That's a huge f'ing fire. And a woman started it BURNING HER DIARY?!! What, did she go out to the driest field she could find, spread kerosene around, and throw the biggest f'ing diary in the world on top, then torch it? What exactly was in this diary that she had to burn it, anyway? Did she admit to horrible crimes? Hmm, maybe she wrote:

Dear Diary,

I hate Brad! He's a jerk!

Update: Nevermind! We're back together! Ignore all that stuff I wrote before about Brad.

Oh, also, I'm about to go out and commit arson. I'm going to start a big old fire. You know, there aren't enough out of control wild fires here in Central Washington. There's a big one in Southeastern Washington, but I really want to have the record HERE! But what should I burn? I just don't know.