Closing the Barn Door After the...

...[Insert chosen farm animal that lives in a barn here] is already out.

That's the theme that came to mind, as well as, "Huh?" when I read the following on the back of a...cough...feminine-related item I purchased today. OK, it was a box of spermicidal contraceptives. How's that for TMI? You know now that I'm either using birth control, or buying it, "just in case."

Anyway, here's the information:

Do not use if you are pregnant or think you may be pregnant.

OK. Let's see, if you're pregnant, you probably don't need to use spermicide as birth control. A bit late for that. See the above phrase.

The "think you may be pregnant" part is a little more understandable, but still, are you going to take a pregnancy test before using this, just in case? Spermicide, like all birth control other than abstinence, isn't completely reliable, so there's always a chance you could be pregnant if you're using spermicide, unless, say, a certain aunt is visiting or you just gave birth to a baby moments before. You can be pretty sure then you're not pregnant, but, other than that, you can never be completely sure you're not pregnant. You could be at that stage where you're pregnant, but can't confirm it with a test yet. Anyway, if some really neurotic person is reading the package, this could cause her lots of angst. "Oh no! I think I may be pregnant, but Honey-Cakes wants to have sex. We've been using spermicide, but it's not 100% effective, and I'm not supposed to use it if I think I might be pregnant. I don't have any pregnancy tests, and even if I did, I won't show as a positive even if I am pregnant for another few weeks." You see the dilemma really neurotic people could go through, don't you? No, I'm not a really neurotic person, just able to think like one to write a blog post that asks the tough questions. Cough. Yeah. Tough questions.

Continuing to quote the package:

If pregnant or breast-feeding, ask a health professional before use.

Oh, gimme a freaking break!